(ORDO NEWS) — We know without demonstration of swimming or badminton prowess that America is the best, says the author of the American edition National Review. The Olympic competition, he continues, is a silly advertisement for useless skills. Why does a person need curling? It was clearly invented by medieval druids, who had no entertainment more fun than pushing a stone.
Sorry, 2020 Olympics. No matter how many billions of dollars you spend on advertising in the fight for my attention, I still prefer something else – even sitting with my eyes closed will be more interesting to me. So already the 28th Olympiad will have to do without me. (I’ll only watch the opening ceremony, but purely for cultural reasons. I’m curious to see what the Japanese will come up with to beat the frenzied, almost pagan celebration of the National Health Service at the 2012 Summer Games in London).
You might argue that the Olympics are a mild form of nationalism, but I personally don’t need to showcase American prowess in swimming or badminton to make sure my country is the best in the world. The one who is married to Kate Upton (model and actress, recognized as the sexiest woman on the planet, approx.), Does not brag about it at dinner with Joy Behar (comedian and TV presenter, approx.). This is something rude to talk about. Therefore, the cry “Forward, America!” I’ll save it until the latest GDP per capita figures come out or the Nobel laureates in science are announced.
And if you don’t yell “Go America!” (in its place there may be another page that desperately imitates it), then what is the general meaning of the Olympic Games? Should I bite my nails from a nerve, because the time has come to find out the strongest in the world in handball or in kayaking? I don’t watch these sports in between olympiads, and I’ll be damned if marketers make me watch them now. If the 396 companies in the Standard & Poor’s 500 ranked their annual advertising budget to promote a world brand licking championship or a transgalactic bow tie competition, would I pretend to care? Dudki, I’m not that kind of a sucker. Maybe you?
Modern society spends too much time, energy and, worst of all, hopes on sports. If hope kills you (and it does), then sport is the main cause of the spiritual death of American youth. For every minute of reverent TV coverage of soccer or basketball, another 10,000 dumb fools will spend another million hours training for an imaginary “professional” future that doesn’t even shine for them. But let’s not talk about my childhood. Football and basketball are at least sports. Every game is an action-packed drama with its own script, and what’s more, every team and every athlete has their own drama. No Olympics and the personal history and mythology of Tom Brady or LeBron James is worth a candle “Yes, I understand that NBA stars also play at the Olympics, but the level of drama is on the level of Godzilla vs. Bambi.
The Olympic Games are unable to create a real drama, playing out the story of unknown people whose skills no one is interested in, so in return they stuff us with pre-prepared mini-biographies, which are essentially the same gum that Celine Dion’s ballads are in music. We are happily informed that a certain Catherine Longshanks lost her mother due to hair cancer, her father was killed by an asteroid, and her little sister was carried away by the explosion of a drying oven, all on the same day. And then she triumphantly loses a canoe race to some Finn who, while Katherine was filming her mini-life, trained hard.
If the Olympics really testified to the quality of this or that nation, the commies would always be blown away. But the red bastards, on the contrary, did nothing but win. (Take the 1984 Winter Olympics: the GDR and the USSR tied for first and second place in gold and overall.) Since the Olympics bring honor and glory to the vilest of regimes, they degenerated into a PR campaign for the world’s evil. Today, any institution that publicly praises China should be closed without further ado, and everyone who is involved in this should be loaded into a rocket with bas-reliefs of the communist leaders of Maolandia and fired directly into the sun.
Let’s be honest: you don’t care who is the best shot putter or high jumper in the world, so an ordinary Olympic competition is a stupid advertisement for useless skills. Unless you are transported into the past and enrolled in Robin Hood’s Jolly Fellows, archery is an empty phrase for you. Even the title of the fastest runner on the planet has no practical application in everyday life. Even if you happen to run away from the bad guys, the speed of your feet won’t help you if the bad guys can shoot. As for curling, it was clearly invented by the medieval druids, who did not have more fun than pushing a stone. Consider it a shuffleboard, only in Stonehenge.
Of course, some competitions – especially diving and floor exercises in gymnastics – are beautiful in themselves, but a fly in the ointment in a barrel of honey is that they have no direct competitive mechanism and everything depends on subjective assessments, and here corruption, erroneous judgments affect or reflex support of the weakest (they hate us because we are strong). And even in these mesmerizing performances at the limit of human capabilities, an insidious deception lurks: all over the country, little girls and their mothers crawl out of their beds at 3 in the morning and rush to training for the competition, which is destined to win only one of them. It is better to read books, master some musical instrument, or get some sleep than to go to a sports camp for five years under the leadership of another Stalin in a sports jacket, who, perhaps, and not a mustachioed child molester, but of those to whom you entrust your child, he is clearly the closest to him. If you’re lucky, your girl will be out of the game with “just” a serious eating disorder — and it all started when she imagined herself to be the next Simone Biles.
And is it really possible to really get carried away with a competition that takes 15 seconds or less? Where is the drama in the 110 meter hurdles? If every obstacle was filled with explosives, and there was a pit with alligators under it, I would still be interested. Moreover, each race brings much more bitterness than sweetness, because the gap between the winner and the rest is perhaps the most cruel of all human endeavors. If you are the world’s second comedian or investment banker or the world’s second beauty, you are rightfully considered a successful person. Damn, even judging by my own biography, you can be in 493rd place in an occupation, consider it completely useless, like film criticism, and at the same time make good money. But where to go if you don’t win the Olympiad?
Admit it, if you compete at the Olympics and don’t win (and don’t look like a model), you’ll spend the rest of your life as a physical education teacher. And if you win silver, you are “the number one loser,” as comedian Jerry Seinfeld once put it. Won gold? Molodchaga, you are the best! Came in second, one hundredth behind? So far, no one will remember about you!
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